I'm Sorry
by FallingRain22
Summary: It's hard to lie to yourself. Self-imposed amnesia is hard to create. Why won't they leave her alone? Can't they see that she wants to forget, that she's sorry? BBTerra one-shot; post Things Change


**Author's Note:** _I wrote this off the top of my head with no plot really planned, I just let the story work itself out. This was only for writing practice, so please excuse any mistakes. Enjoy!_

He was everywhere. I couldn't avoid him. He didn't look at me anymore, and a part of me felt a pang of sadness when he turned away.

Ever since the team had returned, it was harder to suppress the memories I so badly wanted to forget. It was hard enough walking through the city and being reminded of afternoon strolls and crime fights. Or I would be reminded of the desolate gray streets, wrought to destruction by none other than myself. I didn't want to remember the mistakes I made or who I was.

It took a long time for the nightmares to go away. As if I wasn't punished enough during my silent torture in stone. Every night for several months I was tormented by my past actions, reliving each betrayal in every detail, but I couldn't stop my past self from destroying the only thing I had that was close to a family. I watched each one of them as they fell or were smashed or drowned. I could hear my laughter, horrified that I would laugh at the things I did. I was a monster.

I destroyed the one who had corrupted me because I was sick of fighting, and I was sick of what I was. Of course I leaped toward destruction the first chance I got, when I was saved from the monster I had become. I knew that I would probably die in this venture, but to my horror I didn't. It was a fate worse than death. Left to contemplate my every action and mistake for eternity; that wasn't what I wanted. When I was freed from this silent prison, I spent the first few days wandering around underground and crying before hunger drove me to the surface. I survived for a couple weeks off of stolen goods and sleeping in the ruins of the theme park, where I could see my former home if I looked close enough. After the nightmares started coming, I considered taking my own life so I wouldn't have to deal with them anymore. But a part of me refused to give up. So I devised a new identity and threw all the memories into a forgetful abyss, constructing a false past and likes and interests so different from my original self that I was able to lie to myself enough to believe it was true. The nightmares stopped and I become enveloped in everyday life. It was a good life too. I made friends and I got to be normal for once. That world was shattered when they returned.

I could no longer ignore my past and the people I had hurt. I could no longer pretend that I hadn't done real things that caused pain to real people. I couldn't just act like I hadn't tried to annihilate the very people I called family.

And then I lied to him. He was so happy to see me, I don't understand why. I had hurt him so much, how could he have forgiven me? I lied that I couldn't remember. I was frantically trying to convince _myself_ that I didn't remember.

I shoved him away because I couldn't bear to see him. And he was always trying to help me remember, always urging to become the friend he used to know…

I couldn't play the amnesia card anymore. I just had to get away from him before I brought more memories to the surface, before my feelings spiraled out of control.

 _"I'm sorry, Beast Boy. The girl you want me to be is just a memory."_

"Terra." I froze for a moment at the familiar voice, but I just lowered my head and kept walking. The voice repeated itself. "Terra. Listen to me." The leader of the Teen Titans stepped in front of me, barring my path. I looked up at him, feigning confusion.

"Woah, are you Robin? That's so cool!" Robin's face contracted into a frown.

"Uhhh right." He raised an eyebrow and I moved to the side, walking around him. "Is there a reason you refuse to remember anything?" I clenched my fists.

"Not you too! I thought Beast Boy gave up on me."

"Beast Boy would never give up on you, Terra. And neither would any of us. The statue is gone, and we know why." I whirled around on my heels to face him.

"I don't care. Leave. Me. Alone." Robin placed a firm hand on my shoulder and I squirmed to get away, but he held on tightly.

"We understand that there are a lot of things that you don't want to think about, things you did that you don't want to recall. But that Terra died when she killed Slade. When the real Terra took control again." My heart beat quickly at the mention of Slade, dark fear washing over me. "But there are things that you should remember. You were a Titan. Don't you remember all the things that made you happy?" My eyes watered.

"I _do_ remember those things! I remember everything!" I burst out, my voice rasping. "All those happy memories, they're tainted. Because it was all a lie," I spat out. "I was a traitor and a murderer. I attempted to kill you! The Titans were my family, and I betrayed you all. I was never good, Robin. I was always a villain. And before I even joined the Titans, I was always on the run. I never had a chance to be normal. Being an illegitimate daughter isn't helpful either. I was never meant to _exist_. How could I possibly have a normal life? I was tired of it. I was so sick of it." Robin released my shoulder and tears streaked my face. My voice dropped to a whisper.

"I didn't want to remember anything. It tore me up inside. I couldn't live with the things I did, so I forgot about it. I lied to myself for weeks, months, and created a new identity for myself. I got to be normal for the first time in my life. Pretend that I wasn't a mistake or a screw-up. Beast Boy said that you always have a choice. And I chose not to remember." Robin said nothing, just studied me. I took a deep breath and turned away, letting my hair cover my face. "So let me live my life. Please don't bother me anymore."

"You saved everyone. You killed Slade."

"I never wanted to kill anyone. And I ended up attempting to kill all of you. I tore this city to the ground."

"You were manipulated and used. It wasn't your-"

"It _was_ my fault! I should have never ran away from you the first time. I should have let you teach me how to control my powers rather than Slade. I'm stupid and immature. And because of that, you all could have lost your lives and the city you love."

"Terra, why are you beating yourself up about this?" Another voice came from behind me, a voice that ripped my heart to shreds. I didn't know he had been listening.

"Because I should. I can never make up for the things I've done. To the city, to the Titans...to you." Beast Boy stepped in front of me, his green eyes wide and serious.

"You already did. You proved your heart, and that your heart is good. You may have destroyed the city, but you also saved it. You may have attempted to kill us, but you gave us life." I stared at him, my mouth open, but no words came out. He looked away. "I'm angry that you lied to me, and to yourself. But the truth came out." I hung my head in shame, unable to meet his gaze when he looked at me again. "And that doesn't change the way we feel about you. The way _I_ feel about you. So maybe I can help you remember how exactly I feel." He stepped closer, pushing my bangs gently out of my face. My breath caught in my throat and the next thing I knew, his lips were pressed gently against my own. A fresh wave of tears streamed down my face, but I closed my eyes and returned the kiss, wrapping my arms around him in a hug.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, pulling away. "For everything." Beast Boy smiled.

"I know."


End file.
